Relationships are the heart of being human. They’re how we connect, share, and grow with one another. But not all relationships are healthy, and sometimes, what feels like love or loyalty might actually come from a place of fear or habit. If you find yourself constantly overextending, putting others’ needs ahead of your own, or feeling stuck in imbalanced dynamics, take a closer look and see what might be contributing to this. As a gentle reminder: recognizing and addressing these patterns isn’t about blame or shame; it’s about awareness and growth.
At its core, codependency is a loss of balance in relationships. It often looks like prioritizing another person’s needs to the point that your own well-being fades into the background. Over time, this dynamic can create a cycle where your identity and self-worth are tied to how well you meet the other person’s needs—or how they perceive you.
Psychology Today defined Codependency as, a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” In these relationships, the “giver” often derives their sense of self-worth from how the “taker” views or feels about them. When your sense of value depends on someone else’s approval or happiness, particularly in a relationship that’s not healthy, the impact on your self-esteem can be profound. It’s easy to start believing negative narratives or doubts from the relationship, leading to feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt. When the relationship itself is unhealthy, this can lead to a negative cycle where the “giver” begins to internalize harmful perceptions, damaging their self-esteem and sense of self.
Patterns of Codependency
It’s not always obvious when a relationship has slipped into codependent territory, because many of these behaviors can appear in relationships from time to time. However, noticing if multiple patterns are present can help you identify whether you’re gradually losing connection with yourself.
Here some ways it can show up:
Always Being the Fixer - You might find yourself solving everyone else’s problems, whether they ask for it or not. Feeling needed can become a way to feel valued.
Avoiding Boundaries - Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” or letting someone cross lines because you’re scared of conflict can be a sign of codependency.
Neglecting Your Own Needs - You may not even notice your own emotional or physical needs anymore because you’re so focused on someone else.
Overcompensating in Relationships- Are you the one always carrying the emotional or logistical weight? This imbalance can feel like you’re holding the entire relationship together.
People-Pleasing - Constantly prioritizing making others happy, even if it means compromising your authenticity.
Masking or Pretending - Hiding your feelings, opinions, or struggles just to keep the peace or fit into the dynamic.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment - The idea of someone leaving, or a relationship ending, might feel so unbearable that you tolerate things that hurt you to keep the relationship intact.
Seeking Validation - Measuring your worth by how much others approve of or depend on you, often at the expense of your own self-esteem.
Where Does This Come From?
Codependency often originates in our earliest relationships, particularly in families where emotional needs were neglected or dynamics were unbalanced. If you were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that your worth depended on how much you could give or please others, those patterns might carry into adulthood. Similarly, past trauma or cultural expectations may reinforce the idea that self-sacrifice is the key to maintaining relationships. For some, collectivism is a means of survival and communal care, and for others the line between healthy interdependence and codependency are deeply blurred re: emphasizing family and community loyalty over the self. Recognizing these dynamics are important to help understanding the factors that shape how we connect with others and should never be used to shame or blame.
Here are a few questions to support your reflection on your own relationships:
Do you feel the need to be needed to maintain your connections?
Are you afraid of what might happen if you stopped overextending yourself?
Do you find it hard to express your own needs or desires, even with those closest to you?
Is your self-esteem tied to what others (you are in relationship with) think or feel about you?
If some of these questions resonate with you, it might be helpful to explore where these patterns come from and how they affect your life. We are ready and available to support you in this.
In the next blog post, we’ll explore why codependency can be harmful, the fears that maintain these patterns, and how to begin shifting toward healthier connections.